Question and Answer

My stepfather abused me sexually when I was a child. This went on for three years, and it never did come to light. It has been two decades since then, but I just can't get past it. I still hate that man and think about him nearly every day. I know that isn't healthy. But how can I get on with my life despite what was done to me?

It is understandable that you would continue to struggle with the abuse you went through as a child. Our emotions are so intense when we are young that our wounds and injuries often stay with us for a lifetime. The pain is immeasurably worse when the one who wronged us was a parent or a parent surrogate. Nevertheless, the bitterness you feel today is hurting you, not your stepfather. It will continue to haunt you unless you can come to terms with it.

Psychologists and ministers now agree that there is only one cure for the cancer of hate and resentment. It is to forgive, which Dr. Archibald Hart defines as "giving up my right to hurt you for hurting me."1 Only when we find the emotional maturity to release those who have wronged us, whether they have repented or not, will the wounds finally start to heal.

Jesus said it like this, "And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins" (Mark 11:25). Note that Jesus said nothing about who was right and who was wrong. Forgiveness, like love, must be unmerited and unconditional; experiencing it begins the healing process.

Your stepfather has stolen your childhood. Don't let him rob your peace of mind as an adult. Turn him over to the One who said, "Vengeance is mine; I will repay, sayeth the Lord" (Romans 12:19, KJV). If you will give up your right to hurt the one who hurt you, the tragedy of your early years can be overcome. You will probably need the help of a pastor, a counselor, or a psychologist in working your way through these terrible memories. The sooner you can get on with that work, the better.

1 Focus on the Family, "Resentment: Cancer of the Emotions," Dr. Archibald Hart, guest, 20 December 1982.

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