Question and Answer

Leslie's husband died a few years ago, and now she raises her two young daughters alone. Despite her tremendous abilities and love for God, Leslie struggles with low self-esteem. How can she improve her self-esteem and make sure her daughters grow up valuing themselves?

Children have a God-given need to feel loved and accepted for who they are instead of what they do. In Kids in Danger (Victor Books), professor of pediatrics Ross Campbell explains that "children instinctively know that they need love, and they know that it is their parents' responsibility to give them that feeling of love. They know that they cannot live happily or develop normally without the security of unconditional love."

Another word for this basic need is self-esteem. Sadly, when parents don't provide it for children, they often find it in other areas, including excessive achievement, drugs, sex and other problem behaviors. In Building Your Self-Esteem (Living Books), youth specialist Josh McDowell says parents can help their kids by defining self-esteem in the following way: "seeing yourself as God sees you . . . no more and no less."

Some Christians object to this definition, thinking that valuing yourself implies pride. I disagree. If someone gave me a present, I would be ungrateful to ignore it. God has given every human being unique gifts, talents and personality strengths. We should praise Him for His kindness even when we see it in ourselves. But where should Leslie start?

Before she can help her children, Leslie must first recognize her own value apart from her performance. An incident I witnessed not long ago demonstrates how this mind-set works.

An elderly couple sat with their daughter and grandson near me at a doctor's office. Grandpa was hard of hearing and shouted to his daughter that he needed to go to the rest room. She turned to her son, a boy of about 10, and asked him to take his grandfather to the rest room. The boy sighed loudly and said no. Yet he grabbed Grandpa's arm and pulled him toward the rest room complaining all the way.

Another little boy observed this scene, got up and walked toward the rest room. A few minutes later, the grandson came back without the grandfather. Then down the hall came Grandpa with the second boy. He gently held the man's arm and carefully guided him back to his seat.

Both boys performed the same action. Each took the grandfather to or from the rest room. But which one ministered to the man? The boy with the tender heart. What he did was less important than the type of person he was.

Likewise, Leslie should set aside her performance and encourage herself with the unique faculties God has planted in her heart: tenderness, courage, creativity, patience, boldness and other positive traits. Those changeless inner qualities will form the building blocks of healthy self-esteem.

Besides this crucial first step, Leslie should use the following ideas to build her sense of self-worth:

  • Recognize her value to God. Thank Him regularly for His workmanship in her, such as her compassionate and generous heart.
  • Counter lies with the truth. When she makes a mistake, Leslie should not think, I am so dumb. Instead, she should think, Oops, I blew it, and learn from the error.
  • Surround herself with people who affirm her God-given gifts. Spend more time with encouraging people and less with discouraging people.
  • Deal with past issues that undermine her self-esteem. If these problems involve abuse, Leslie may want to consult a Christian counselor.

After putting these things into practice, Leslie can teach them to her kids. When she suspects that they are viewing themselves from the perspective of others and not from God's, she should gently remind them of the truth. Encouragement such as this will help Leslie's daughters develop a healthy sense of self-esteem early in life.

And that's one of the greatest gifts parents can give their children.

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Other Things to Consider

Transitions: Changing Jobs, Moving

Relationships: Communication Gaps

Parenting Teens: Communication Problems