time for family

Question and Answer

Our son has been spending all of his time with friends and leaves no time for family activities. What should we do?

A good portion of your son's behavior is part of a normal developmental process. Between the ages of 6 and 12, the need to identify with his peer group takes precedent over identifying with parents. This continues through the teen years and usually concludes with total separation and independence by the age of 18 or 20. To resist this natural pulling away hinders growth. Here are four ideas for making this transition navigable:

Assess your own motives. Is it possible that you have selfish reasons for wanting him to stay close to you? Is he meeting a hidden emotional need for you? Are you fearful of letting go and seeing him make mistakes on his own? As is often the case, healing first requires self-examination.

Embrace the shift and encourage healthy friendships . Since this is typical behavior for adolescents, it's better to bend with the winds of change than snap under their pressure. You can't actually pick his friends for him, but you can increase his chances of finding good friends by placing him in environments with healthy peers. Find a solid, interesting youth group. Encourage him to take part in missions trips, sports or other Christian activities. If he likes music or drama, he may benefit from working with the church worship team.

Host activities for your son's friends. Throw an after-homecoming party or organize a summer barbecue. It will give you a window on your son's peer group, as well as the ability to discreetly chaperone the event.

Let friends take part in family events. While there's certainly a place for "family only" interaction, try to create additional outings that let your teen invite friends. When you go on a ski trip, allow one to join you. Point out to your son that you don't object to his time with peers so long as it's not at the expense of important family time. Also, he will resist family activities less if you try to plan some that he will find attractive.

This stage presents an important balancing act for parents. Encourage separation, but make your teen realize that his presence is welcome and wanted at home, too.

Background Information

Making Good Decisions
What to do about avoidance — one of the biggest time wasters around.

Evaporating Family Time
It's easy to get caught up in the business of life. It's not as easy to make it up to your kids.

Questions and Answers

I have very little time to spend with my children these days, but I make sure the hours we do get to spend together are meaningful. Do you agree that the quality of time you are with your kids is more important than the quantity?
Answer

There aren't enough hours in the day to do all that needs to be done and spend quality time with our kids. But I'm afraid that someday I'll regret my day-to-day decisions to focus on a clean house. How can I change?
Answer

Review Frequently Asked Questions

Stories

About Time
It's never too soon to start making memories with your children. For one dad, it's too late.

Missing Dad
Though in 5- and 6-year-old language I would have never called him a "workaholic," I suppose my dad fit the description.

Leaving the Majors for More
Choosing family over career isn't easy; but the rewards are priceless.

If you've been through a experience related to this topic, we invite you to share your story with others.
Share Your Story

Other Things to Consider

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff
If you sweat the small stuff, it's time to learn how to break free from the control freak inside of you.

Fitting Kids Into a Life
We're well-versed in how to make it in the corporate world. What we need is a little advice about making it in the nursery.

Dare To Be Different
Encouraging individuality is the best way to fend off peer pressure.

Beyond Books and Diplomas
Do you want your kids to be leaders? The formula for getting there might surprise you.

Transitions: Changing Jobs, Moving

Relationships: Communication Gaps

Parenting Teens: Communication Problems