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In Love and Addicted: One Newlywed Couple's Battle with Internet Porn

I used to think I knew the profile of your typical pornography addict. He was a middle-aged man, probably in the throes of a mid-life crisis. Years of time-consuming work, activities and child rearing had driven him and his wife in different directions. Now they bickered constantly. She criticized him incessantly. There'd probably been no sex for months.

Then I met Casey and Seth, barely two years into their marriage and already undergoing counseling. Both grew up in Christian homes and cherished their relationships with God. Each loved the other deeply – and each confirmed that their sex life had been great, until Seth's secret surfaced.

"Like a lot of guys, I was first exposed to pornography at a young age," Seth says. "As I got older, I began to seek it out. The Internet was just taking off – and my friends and I couldn't believe what was suddenly available to us."

While Seth had no trouble meeting girls his own age, he continued to return to the voluptuous, air-brushed women whose pictures permeated his thoughts. They required no clever conversation from him and made themselves available 24/7. Besides, Seth's church and parents strongly opposed pre-marital sex. But you can't "technically" have intercourse with someone else online, he reassured himself. There was no risk of getting someone pregnant or contracting a disease. He believed he'd found a safe, private outlet for fulfilling his desires.

"When we're single, we can sometimes convince ourselves that our bad decisions stem from loneliness," Seth explains. "I was a virgin all through college. I guess I justified my growing addiction by telling myself that this was the only way to remain 'pure.'"

"Neither of us had a good understanding of true purity growing up," Casey adds. "We knew the Bible says lust is just as wrong as actually having pre-marital sex. But I don't think anyone I knew really believed that. Besides, I think a lot of the adults in our churches didn't really understand the Internet back then. They didn't want to believe that their kids…or the kids in their youth groups…could be cruising the net for porn. So they just didn't talk about it the way they did sexual activity. I'm not making excuses for Seth…I just know he never meant for things to go this far."

Casey wasn't always so understanding. When she first discovered Seth's problem – which marriage had not miraculously cured, despite his expectations – hurt, anger, betrayal and depression overwhelmed her. She even thought about leaving him, but they'd just learned they were pregnant with their first child.

"I had so many questions," Casey says. "What did I do wrong? Was I not attractive enough? How could he already want other women instead of me? He really seemed to love me!"

"I did love her. I do!" Seth interrupts. "It sounds so cliché, but it wasn't her. It was me."

Casey nods. As she began researching sexual addiction, she started to gain a clearer understanding of Seth's thought processes.

"I'm not saying it made the hurt disappear," Casey says. "My heart was broken. But I started to view it like other addictions. Seth was trapped, and he didn't know how to stop."

Casey learned that people often use pornography to numb past pain or trauma. One article she read even compared pornography to crack cocaine addictions in terms of their difficulty to overcome.

"Long after someone looks at porn, the body recalls the feelings pornography generated," Casey says. "It kills me to know the pictures are burned in his brain. All I can do is pray that God will keep those images from resurfacing."

In addition to persistent prayer, Casey and Seth have implemented some tangible lifestyle changes to thwart temptation.

"Casey got me this great book called Every Man's Battle," Seth says. "It helped me not only to understand and own up to my behavior, but to see why it hurt Casey so deeply. I started to understand that purity is about your mind, not just your actions. After that, we started being more careful with a lot of things."

"We're more selective about everything we watch – or even read," Casey adds. "I started looking at some of my women's magazines and realized those were not pictures I wanted in our home. When we rent movies, we avoid anything with even a hint of nudity or sexual content. Especially now that we have kids, we're seeing how important it is that we try to keep our thoughts pure so we can set a good example."

"We also took what some might consider drastic measures with the Internet," Seth says. "We've got filters. Case has the passwords. I pretty much can't look at anything without her OK."

Casey and Seth moved the computer into the living room, where it could be easily seen when in use. Seth says he also appreciates that Casey sits nearby anytime he's online.

"The key with all of this has been Casey's forgiveness and support," Seth says. "In spite of the pain this caused her, she's provided love and accountability without judgment. I know everything she does is because she's on my side."

Casey admits that her self-esteem took a hit when Seth's secret came out. "What new bride wants to hear that her husband would rather look at pictures of other women than at her?" she says. "But I've come to an understanding of how much Seth needs me to be his helpmate. I've seen his sincere, heart-wrenching efforts to change. And when I think about the grace God has extended to me, how could I not do the same for the man I love?"

As the interview winds down, Seth insists on clarifying that the family's safeguarding systems are just one small element of a larger transformation.

"All the passwords and filters in the world don't matter if you don't make a heart change," he says. "I'm fighting an ongoing battle; I have to renew my commitment to God every day. But at least now, I'm not fighting alone."

Background Information

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Questions and Answers

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