When Your Spouse is Gay

Homosexuality also invades many Christian marriages. It's heartbreaking to counsel people who have either just found out that their spouse is gay, or they are dealing with the heartache of having a spouse desert the marriage for a homosexual relationship.

Sheila Hood had detected symptoms of a deep conflict in her husband's life since the beginning of their marriage. In public, Bill was usually calm and gentle. In the privacy of their home, he was a different person often moody, withdrawn and violently angry.

There were other signs of a hidden problem: the times he would slip his wedding ring back on his finger after returning from an especially late night in the city ... the way his eyes met with those of men who were strangers ... the preoccupation he had with his outward appearance that had nothing to do with pleasing his wife.

Sheila sensed a growing distance between them; so, finally, she confronted Bill. At first, he said nothing; he just stared straight ahead without expression. Finally, he confessed the truth: "There's something I haven't told you. I have this terrible battle raging inside of me all the time. It's not against you. It's just that I, well, it's just that I prefer to be with men."

"Do you mean intimately, sexually?" Sheila felt her heart crushing inside her.

"Yes." Bill lowered his gaze toward the floor. "But recently, it's just been the thoughts." Suddenly hot tears poured down Sheila's face as she realized that her husband had been guilty of adultery with other men. Eventually, after Bill refused to get help, the couple separated and later divorced. 1

Like parents, many spouses and ex-spouses are consumed with guilt. It's important to remember that, almost always, the homosexual problem pre-dated your marriage. The seeds of homosexuality are usually sown in childhood, even though they may not manifest until adulthood.

In fact, there are an increasing number of middle-aged men and women who are "coming out of the closet" and declaring their homosexuality. For some of them, there has been a hidden struggle going on for years. Some may have originally married in the hopes that their same-sex attractions would disappear which rarely happens. If anything, the stresses of marriage can trigger even more temptations in this area.

These middle-aged men and women have deeper unresolved issues from their past, such as childhood sexual abuse, which they have never dealt with. These hidden problems eventually surface, and then they manifest as inappropriate same-sex longings. The person doesn't know where on earth these feelings are coming from and, in today's "gay-affirmative" culture, wrongly assumes that the solution is to go out and have sex with a person of their own gender.

After several experiences, these people are deceived into thinking that they have finally found the answer to these inner struggles, and they also conclude that they were gay all along but just didn't realize it. So, they take on a false solution to a very genuine problem. It's a total deception and they lose their marriage in the process.

Jane Boyer was married for 10 years before she "discovered" that she was a lesbian. Jane had been sexually abused as a girl, and she grew up with a deep bitterness toward men. Somehow, she managed to function in her marriage in spite of this hatred, until she fell into a lesbian relationship. Then she was faced with the excruciating decision: continue to live as a lesbian in relationships that felt safe and wonderful, or give that up and return to a marriage that felt emotionally barren and lonely.

With skilled counseling and support, Jane was able to find that marriage to a man could be fulfilling, but she had a lot of emotional "baggage" to deal with first. Her motivation was given a huge boost when her husband gave her an ultimatum: "I'm leaving the marriage if you won't give up your lesbian friendships."

Jane realized that she would lose the most important things in her life her husband and children if she persisted in same-sex intimacies with other women, so she turned away from those friends and recommitted her life to Christ.

Today, over a decade later, Jane finds a wonderful fulfillment in her marriage, and has testified at numerous "Love Won Out" conferences about God's powerful healing in her life. 2

1 Adapted from Double Life by Sheila Jean Hood. Tyndale House Publishers, 1991.
2 Bob Davies with Lela Gilbert, Portraits in Freedom, 14 People Who Came Out of Homosexuality. InterVarsity Press, 2001.

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Other Things to Consider

Abuse & AddictionPornography and Cybersex, Sexual Abuse

Parenting ChildrenTalking About Sex

Parenting TeensSexual Activity, Crisis Pregnancy, Homosexuality

TransitionsGetting Married, Adoption, Having a Baby