miscarriage

Stepping out of Denial

This article is a continuation of the story “Taboo Grief: Men and Abortion.”

For a man to heal from an abortion he must:

  • Be motivated. Psychotherapist Jim Benefield says this is the first step toward healing.
  • Grieve. “Men are conditioned not to show their feelings,” says Pete Palmer, who after 25 years still recalls the pain of his girlfriend’s abortion. “But even though we’re males, we have to cry. We won’t make any progress beyond that until we can say, ‘Yes, I’ve lost somebody who’s dear to me.’ ”
  • Forgive. It took two years before Chico fully grasped what he had done and accepted God’s forgiveness. Finding forgiveness from God, then learning to forgive those involved in the abortion is vital.
  • Reconcile. Though most relationships end following abortion, many men seek some sort of reconciliation with those involved. Chico and Don each contacted his former girlfriend and apologized for his role.
  • Seek closure. Many men acknowledge their aborted child for the first time by naming or writing letters to him. One father purchased a gravestone and had it placed in a cemetery.

Acceptance doesn’t come easily. Last year at Father’s Day, for example, when fathers at his church were asked to stand and be recognized, Chico remained seated. “I thought about standing,” he said. “I am a father — my child would be about 13 by now. But I didn’t. I don’t know why. Maybe people wouldn’t understand.”

Maybe they won’t understand. But until men begin to acknowledge that abortion has damaged their lives and do something about it, families, the church and society will continue to suffer.

Background Information

When Grief Doesn't End
Despair can halt the natural and healthy process of grieving.

Understanding Miscarriage
Here are the symptoms and causes of miscarriage.

What Not to Say
Sometimes even people with good intentions say the most hurtful things.

Questions and Answers

What are some common reactions to a miscarriage?
Answer

When I want to get pregnant again, is there anything I can do to improve my chances of carrying the baby to term?
Answer

Review Frequently Asked Questions

Stories

Suffering Toward God
Facing their daughter's death forces one couple to answer life's hardest questions.

I Never Knew You, Still I Love You
One woman's story of her grieving period when she miscarried.

If you've been through a experience related to this topic, we invite you to share your story with others.
Share Your Story

Other Things to Consider

Hope and Comfort From the Bible
If you're asking God why this happened to your baby, here are some of His answers from the Bible.

Where is God in the Midst of All My Troubles?
So many cry out to Him in times of need, but is God really listening? And, more important, does He care?

Abuse & AddictionPornography and Cybersex, Sexual Abuse

Parenting ChildrenTalking About Sex

Parenting TeensSexual Activity, Crisis Pregnancy, Homosexuality

TransitionsGetting Married, Adoption, Having a Baby