In a culture where dating and sex often blend together...

Question and Answer

In a culture where dating and sex often blend together, where do I tell my son to "draw the line" physically?

Setting a physical standard should be determined before dating ever begins. If he is already dating, the limits still need to be discussed. And even when both parties agree that sex is not an option, there are two overriding principles one must remember:

Stay in control of your body
Always show respect for your body and your date's

God made sex and intends the experience to be a process between a husband and wife. Otherwise, it brings frustration, separation and pain. The entire romantic process has an order and is intended to be progressive. Here's one way to look at the intensifying stages of intimacy: hand holding, arm around waist, kissing, French kissing, feeling out, intimate foreplay, sexual intercourse.

The first three are "manual." That's when we're in control. The rest are "automatic," at which time our hormones start calling the shots. The physical limit needs to be set at modest kissing. To some, this might sound a bit prudish, but if your son expects to keep control over his body and respect his girlfriend, he should set that limit before natural urges push him further. No French kissing. No lying down together (even to watch TV or on a bed talking). Both encourage the hormones to kick in, and he'll have to fight the temptation to touch her in a sexual manner. He may be able to resist, but why gamble? Keep the package together by maintaining control.

Also, help him realize that, no matter what that song from Casablanca says, a kiss is not just a kiss. A kiss should be a deep expression of love, not simply a physical act of passion. If your son admits to already being involved more heavily, help him come up with creative ways to reestablish the limit. Decide how he can explain to his girlfriend that his "backing off" is an expression of love and respect. Be supportive.

I should remind you that you are limited in your ability to enforce these boundaries. Short of handcuffing yourselves together (which will only frustrate you both), you can't make him obey. As a parent, you can merely teach, guide, discipline and set the standard. He must choose between wisdom and foolishness. Try buying him a ring to represent his commitment before God to abstain from sex until he gets married. Present it ceremoniously at a favorite restaurant just the two of you. When you discuss the reasons for resisting temptation, don't dwell on the risks associated with premarital sex any more than you emphasize the benefits of waiting: Deeper trust and enjoyment of sex in marriage, enhanced physical and emotional health, self-respect, and pleasing God.