talking about sex
Question and Answer
In a culture where dating and sex often blend together, where do I tell my son to "draw the line" physically?
Setting a physical standard should be determined before dating ever begins. If he is already dating, the limits still need to be discussed. And even when both parties agree that sex is not an option, there are two overriding principles one must remember:
- Stay in control of your body
- Always show respect for your body and your date's
God made sex and intends the experience to be a process between a husband and wife. Otherwise, it brings frustration, separation and pain. The entire romantic process has an order and is intended to be progressive. Here's one way to look at the intensifying stages of intimacy: hand holding, arm around waist, kissing, French kissing, feeling out, intimate foreplay, sexual intercourse.
The first three are "manual." That's when we're in control. The rest are "automatic," at which time our hormones start calling the shots. The physical limit needs to be set at modest kissing. To some, this might sound a bit prudish, but if your son expects to keep control over his body and respect his girlfriend, he should set that limit before natural urges push him further. No French kissing. No lying down together (even to watch TV or on a bed talking). Both encourage the hormones to kick in, and he'll have to fight the temptation to touch her in a sexual manner. He may be able to resist, but why gamble? Keep the package together by maintaining control.
Also, help him realize that, no matter what that song from Casablanca says, a kiss is not just a kiss. A kiss should be a deep expression of love, not simply a physical act of passion. If your son admits to already being involved more heavily, help him come up with creative ways to reestablish the limit. Decide how he can explain to his girlfriend that his "backing off" is an expression of love and respect. Be supportive.
I should remind you that you are limited in your ability to enforce these boundaries. Short of handcuffing yourselves together (which will only frustrate you both), you can't make him obey. As a parent, you can merely teach, guide, discipline and set the standard. He must choose between wisdom and foolishness. Try buying him a ring to represent his commitment before God to abstain from sex until he gets married. Present it ceremoniously at a favorite restaurant — just the two of you. When you discuss the reasons for resisting temptation, don't dwell on the risks associated with premarital sex any more than you emphasize the benefits of waiting: Deeper trust and enjoyment of sex in marriage, enhanced physical and emotional health, self-respect, and pleasing God.
Background Information
Having "The Talk"
It might be awkward, but it's a parent's place to talk about sex.
How Much is Too Much?
Here are age-appropriate guidelines for teaching kids about sex.
Questions and Answers
When do children begin to develop a sexual nature?
Answer
I really want my daughter to enjoy the Valentine season, but how can I help her see past the worldly exploitation of romance?
Answer
I would like to teach my own child about human sexuality, but I'm not sure I know how to go about it. When do I say what?
Answer
Is sexual experimentation normal? What should I do if I catch my child acting out with another child?
Answer
Review Frequently Asked Questions
Stories
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Other Things to Consider
When It Comes to Sex, Character Counts
Teaching character can make a difference in your child's future sex life.
Related Topics
Transitions: Having a Baby, Preparing for Adolescence
Life Pressures: Working Moms, Stay-At-Home Moms, Time for Family
Relationships: Parents and Adult Children, Blended Families
