Left to Suffer

My story begins on a gray November day when the pregnancy test turned pink. I was shocked, since my boyfriend and I had practiced "safe sex" every time, but I guess complete protection is never guaranteed. My hand was shaking as I stared at the test, willing it to change to any other color but pink. It seemed to grow brighter and brighter as my head began to ache and emotions rushed through me. I wondered who I could tell. How would my boyfriend react? My parents? My closest friends? Not wanting anyone to know, I grabbed the phonebook, looking for options.

My eyes scanned the pages anxiously, finally landing on a local clinic's ad. I dialed their number and a businesslike voice answered my trembling questions. "Yes, you can just walk in, and we'll have someone sit down with you to discuss your options." She gave me directions to their office, and I set out on my search for answers. The lady behind the desk gazed at me kindly as I approached her and asked to speak to a counselor. She took my information, and just as I sat down a large woman brusquely called out my name. She escorted me down to her office and that's when I began to tell her my story.

In response, she laid out for me the option of abortion. There were a number of ways I could take care of this issue, whether I used the pill, RU-486 or if I went into surgery. She was persuasive, explaining that an abortion would enable me to continue with my plans for grad school, remarking that I was only 22. She pointed out that I had a lot of life ahead of me, that I didn't need to deal with this now.

I agreed with her.

Consenting to the proposal of abortion, I was given a referral for a doctor who would perform the procedure. Armed with his address and phone number, I left the clinic with an unsettled feeling of having made one of the biggest decisions of my life.

The abortion was scheduled for the following week. I had to let someone partially into my confidence in order to have a ride home after the surgery, so I told one of my closest girlfriends. She agreed to come along, assuming I was going in for a doctor 's appointment requiring some medication that would render me unable to drive.

I woke up that morning with knots in my stomach. I couldn't imagine what would soon be taking place. I could barely meet the eyes of the other girls sitting around me in the room. They all seemed reserved and tense as well, so I sat down in a corner and pretended to read a magazine until my name was called. Looking up, I saw the nurse in her white jacket, perusing the room, waiting for someone to respond. I made it to my feet and followed her down the long corridor to my room.

Eventually the doctor came in and the procedure began. I was embarrassed to be so vulnerable in front of the doctor. I felt more like a terrified little girl than the 22-year-old woman that I was. After the pain medication was administered I felt a little drowsy, as if everything around me was surreal. Even so, I could still feel the tugging and the pull of the machine as it emptied the contents of my uterus. I gasped as the nurses thwarted my attempts to jerk away from the instruments.

By the end of the procedure, I was reduced to tears and exhaustion. As they wheeled me out of the operating room to my recovery room, I tried to shut out what had just happened. When I was allowed to leave, they warned me to go to the emergency room if any hemorrhaging occurred.

My girlfriend was waiting for me when I exited the clinic. I avoided her attempts to talk about what had really happened to me. She finally gave up as she dropped me off at my house. I shut myself in my room to sleep. I desperately hoped that the problem had really been taken care of and that I would be back to normal in a few days. I managed to keep the secret of my abortion from my friends and family and even my boyfriend. I did my best to push it out of my mind and to continue my life at a normal pace. It took years before the reality of that day sank in and began to affect my life.

Ten months after my abortion, my relationship with my boyfriend ended.

After graduation I went from job to job, searching for a place where I could feel confident and secure. One year later I met my husband, but even then I couldn't share my secret with him. The early years of our marriage were wonderful, but I could never be fully open with him. This began to hinder the growth of our relationship, but I continued to allow my secret to weigh heavily on my heart.

It's been five years since my abortion. My recurring nightmares started not long ago there is a beautiful, cooing baby and then the horrific screams and anguished cries begin. My husband of three years knows nothing of my abortion or of my old boyfriend and the relationship we shared. The guilt on my conscience is almost overwhelming. I've had to bear it alone for so long now why should I share the truth with anyone? How could they possible understand now? My family has noticed that I am despondent lately, but I tend to draw away from their offered comfort. I can't forgive myself or my boyfriend for the past. I am being driven, uncontrollably, to despair. ...

If you've been affected by an abortion, there is hope and healing available. To talk with a licensed, professional Christian counselor or to find out more about taking steps toward change, please visit our "Consider Counseling" page.

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Other Things to Consider

RelationshipsBlended Families, Parents and Adult Children

TransitionsPreparing for Adolescence, Empty Nest