communication problems

Is Anybody In There?

Talking with teenagers, much less understanding them, can be tough. Communicating with people who are adults physically, but still children emotionally, is tricky at best. They're caught between wanting to be independent and still needing their parents' financial and emotional support. The language barrier is challenging, as well. When was the last time you said, "What up dawg?" or "Dope?"

Growing up in a society that highly values self-esteem and emotions, teens today feel mistreated if we don't allow them to scream at us and tell us that we're horrible parents. Unfortunately, it's easy for adolescents to cross over the line from open and honest communication into disrespect, and even the best parents find it difficult to set appropriate boundaries.

Despite these challenges, I enjoy talking to my three teens — most of the time. However, our family is comprised of five extroverted, strong-willed and opinionated people. There isn't a quiet one of us in the bunch, and three of us are overreactors with a flair for the dramatic. Communication can get intense at our house, whether discussing politics or working our way through those inevitable conflicts over curfews and homework. We encourage our teens to express their ideas and feelings, yet we require them to be respectful.

Sometimes, when I'm sharing my feelings, I don't get it right. I don't always do a good job of maneuvering my way through a conflict, and my often-intense emotions can get in the way of productive conversation. My approach to talking with our kids is very different from their father's approach. I want to know how they feel after we've talked and whether or not they still like me. I want them to admit that I'm right and to apologize when they're wrong. And, I want them to be more compliant. Trying to accomplish my objectives usually requires repeating myself many times, which my kids call nagging. It's mostly ineffective, but I tend to believe that nagging might become effective at some point. Rather than listening to the voice inside my head instructing me to "be quiet," I usually continue, hoping to convince my kids that I'm right. Most of the mothers I know struggle with the same temptation to nag.

My husband's modus operandi when dealing with our teens is the "let's-take-this-conversation-in-for-a-landing-and-exit-quietly-and-quickly" approach. No fuss, no muss. He usually isn't concerned with how they feel or if they still like him, because he knows that being their parent instead of their friend is what they really need. While he wants them to take responsibility for themselves, he doesn't place unrealistic expectations on our teenagers.

One of my teens recently made some choices that I was very unhappy about, and I overreacted, reciting all of the reasons he shouldn't have made those particular decisions. I used a strong tone of voice (I yelled at him), didn't allow him to explain his actions, and to make matters worse, I interrupted him about every 10 seconds. We both walked away from that one-way conversation feeling angry.

Soon enough, I felt guilty and disappointed with myself; I had blown it. I had forfeited an opportunity to connect with my son and find out what was going on in his heart. I pushed him away when I could have pulled him closer to me. Guilt overcame me as I recounted the many times I've done a poor job of parenting. Mentally, I saw myself standing before the "Mom Court" waiting to be sentenced by the judge. My guilt increased, and my overactive imagination kicked into high gear as the heads in this imaginary courtroom shook their disapproval.

After calming down, I decided to stop feeling guilty and do something more productive: I reminded myself that I've experienced more successes than failures as a parent. My kids know that I'm quick to accept responsibility for my failures, apologizing when necessary. They are in turn quick to forgive and let me off the hook. I apologized to my son for speaking to him disrespectfully and told him that he deserved to be listened to; then, I kept my mouth shut and listened.

I purposed to be more conscious of how I talk to my teens. I can have something beneficial to say to my kids, but they don't hear me when I use a tone of voice that sounds sarcastic or critical. The slice-and-dice approach of sarcasm and criticism, even when unintentional, is hurtful and ineffective. It's dishonoring, and doesn't communicate love and support for my children.

Next, I made a deliberate effort to talk to my son about things that have nothing to do with the life choices I want him to make. My teens tell me that I go through periods when all I talk about is whether or not they're doing a good job of completing their chores and managing their lives. Life is complex and challenging for adolescents; sometimes, I forget that they need my love and support every day. One of the best ways to communicate love is to hang out with them and have fun together.

Additionally, I told my son that I'm confident in his ability to make great decisions, because God has given him a wonderful intellect, kind heart, and terrific personality. I need to trust that my son will make good choices and that God is always watching over him. I want my son to sense my confidence in him so that he'll have confidence in himself.

Thankfully, there's no such thing as a "Mom Court," and I'm grateful that my teens are patient with me. They know that I've never been a parent of teens before. Sometimes we look at one another in puzzlement when we talk, but we're still trying. That's the real key to talking with teens — never giving up.

Background Information

Ten Needs of Every Teen
Fulfilling the needs (not necessarily wants) of our teenagers enables us to forge strong, life-lasting friendships with them.

Ten Things Your Teen is Reluctant to Tell You
Just knowing what your teen is thinking can make all the difference.

The Scourge of Sarcasm
Often it's not what you say, but how you say it that matters most.

Questions and Answers

My son complains that we never listen to him. How can we prove that we are indeed paying attention?
Answer

My teen says we're disrespecting him, yet he's the one acting disrespectfully toward us. What should we do?
Answer

Review Frequently Asked Questions

Stories

If you've been through a experience related to this topic, we invite you to share your story with others.
Share Your Story

Other Things to Consider

Where is God in the Midst of All My Troubles?
So many cry out to Him in times of need, but is God really listening? And, more important, does He care?

RelationshipsBlended Families, Parents and Adult Children

TransitionsPreparing for Adolescence, Empty Nest