Looking Beyond Looks

"I think I'm ugly," our son, age 12, told us not long ago.

My wife and I were amazed at his sincere confession. Parental bias aside, there were no objective grounds to support Aaron's conclusion. We quizzed him, of course, about why he felt that way. Some of it was due to the usual cruelty of children: comments on the playground, teasing of boys by the girls, and so forth. "But sometimes," he said, "I just try to look at myself in the mirror, and I think I look ugly."

So my wife and I held a powwow to sketch out a plan of action, not only for Aaron, but for his sister, Aubrey, who often places too much emphasis on her appearance and how she compares with other girls. We decided that it would be shortsighted to try to convince our children that they were good-looking. Though that happens to be true, we realized it was not the issue. Children, and teens in particular, often get so caught up in their appearance that the mirror becomes the sole measure of their worth. Every imperfection assumes huge importance, often exaggerated beyond its reality. Children face overwhelming pressure from television, movies, advertisements and their peers to believe that if guys don't look like Freddie Prinze Jr. or girls like Sarah Michelle Gellar, they're unattractive and undesirable. In addition to this prepackaged image of what is beautiful and what is not, media also tout the idea that beauty equals happiness.

Overcoming such pressures is a formidable task, and one that requires patience and perseverance. No clever words or expensive purchase will overcome a child's feelings of inadequacy. Still, it is possible to talk and walk your child beyond the looking glass to self-esteem that's not subjected to unreachable standards of beauty.

We want our children to understand that there's a lot more to beauty than shapely figures, bulging biceps and blue eyes. We want to plant in them a conviction that beauty more often results from a person's attitude and disposition. God chose David to be king of Israel, after all, not because of his appearance or physical attributes, but because of his heart. The Bible says. "The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart" (1 Samuel 16:7). So we adopted several practices that we think are helping our children develop appropriate, biblical ideas about their appearance and their value.

First, we recognized that we had to explore our own feelings in this area. "Sure, it's easy for her. She's never had a baby," Mom moaned one night when the TV model touted some fitness product. Her jealous comment might have communicated the wrong message about what Mom really considers important. We had to begin looking for ways to broadcast healthy attitudes. Instead of bemoaning the effects of aging when my wife points out another gray hair, I am becoming good at such comments as, "All the wisest people I know have gray hair."

Second, we prompt our children to determine where their attitudes originate. We want to express appreciation that our kids are concerned for their physical appearance clean, well-groomed children are answers to parents' prayers. But we also take time to discuss extremes. "What do you think would be a sign that you're thinking too much about your appearance? What would indicate you're not concerned enough about appearance?"

We use favorite TV shows or movies as a starting point to ask our children what makes a person beautiful in their eyes. We had reservations when our 11-year-old daughter pestered us to let her watch a TV show that's marketed to teens. So we struck a deal: She could watch it only when one of us was present to watch with her. On those occasions we ask such questions as, "Why do you like the star so much? Is it because of his looks or because of the kind of person he is, the way he acts?" (By the way, we follow that practice of evaluating media messages on other topics, too.)

As our children have grown, we've become more sophisticated in our discussions. We consider where we get our standards of what is attractive and why some things are considered beautiful in our culture but not in others.

Third, we teach Aubrey and Aaron that happiness and beauty do not go hand in hand. (Witness the lives and deaths of Marilyn Monroe, River Phoenix and Karen Carpenter.) We discuss the biblical prescriptions for happiness like the ones mentioned in Psalm 32:1 and 144:15; Proverbs 3:13, 14:21 and 16:20; Luke 11:28; James 1:12 and 1 Peter 3:14.

Christians don't have to look like a model in a Guess jeans or Bowflex commercial, but neither are we obligated to ugliness. When Aaron as a 9-year-old wanted to radically (to us, anyway) change his hair style, we gave permission only after we ensured that his wish was based on a desire to look his best, not a desire to look like someone else. We also used that opportunity (and the occasion of our daughter's trip to the mall to get her ears pierced) to discuss the difference between feeling beautiful (outward changes) and being beautiful (inward growth).

Finally, we celebrate each family member's uniqueness. Too often we confine compliments to externals, such as a new outfit. We counter that by celebrating our son's laugh it's so contagious and winsome! We celebrate our daughter's ability to make friends quickly and easily. We celebrate their positive attitudes about life and school and people.

Paul referred to Christians as "God's workmanship" in Ephesians 2:10. The Greek word he used for workmanship is poiema, a word that referred to distinctly creative works of art. (In fact, poiema is the root for our word poem.)

Our children are God's poems; they are His works of art, and it shows not just in how they look, but in who they are.

Our children now seem more secure in who they are and in their value as God's children than when Aaron first made that comment about feeling ugly. We have high hopes that Aaron and Aubrey will realize that whether they're pleased with the person in the mirror has more to do with what isn't seen than with what is.

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Other Things to Consider

RelationshipsBlended Families, Parents and Adult Children

TransitionsPreparing for Adolescence, Empty Nest