How to Survive the Stormy Teen Years
To help parents handle the special stresses of the adolescent years, let me offer these suggestions for coping with adolescence:
Keep them moving. Boredom is dangerous to energetic teenagers. The strong-willed adolescent simply must not be given large quantities of unstructured time. He or she will find destructive ways to use such moments. My advice is to get them involved in the best church youth program you can find.
If your local congregation has only four bored members in its junior high department and seven sleepy high schoolers, I would consider changing churches. I know that advice could be disruptive to the entire family, and I'm sure most pastors would disagree, but you must save that volatile kid.
Obviously, such radical action is not as necessary for the more compliant individual or for one who has other wholesome outlets for his energy. But if you're sitting on a keg of dynamite, you have to find ways to keep the powder dry! Not only can this be done through church activities, but also by involvement with athletics, music, horses or other animals and part-time jobs. You must keep that strong-willed kid's scrawny legs churning!
Don't rock the boat. When parents of strong-willed children look ahead to the adolescent river, they often perceive it to be like a boat about to plunge over the edge.
They expect the early encounter with rapids to give way to swirling currents and life-threatening turbulence. If that doesn't turn over their teenagers' boat, they seem destined to drown farther downstream when they plunge over the falls.
Fortunately, the typical journey is much safer than anticipated, and the boat once again reaches smooth waters.
The river usually descends not into the falls, but into smooth waters once more. Even though your teenager may be splashing and thrashing and gasping for air, it is not likely that his boat will capsize. It is more buoyant than you might think, though a few individuals do go over the falls, usually because of drug abuse. Even some of them climb back in the canoe and paddle on down the river.
In fact, the greatest danger of sinking the boat could come from you as the parent. Idealistic and perfectionistic parents who are determined to make their adolescents measure up to the highest standard can rock a boat that is already threatened by the rapids.
I'm reminded of a waitress who recognized me when I came into the restaurant where she worked. As a single mother, she had recently gone through severe struggles with her 12-year-old daughter, whom she identified as being very strong-willed.
"We have fought tooth and nail for this entire year," she said. "We argue nearly every night, and most of our fights are over the same issue."
I asked her what had caused the conflict, and she replied, "My daughter is still a little girl but she wants to shave her legs. I feel she's too young to be doing that and she becomes so angry that she won't even talk to me. This has been the worst year of our lives."
I looked at the waitress and exclaimed, "Lady, buy your daughter a razor!"
That 12-year-old girl was paddling into a time of life that would wreck her canoe good and hard. As a single parent, Mom would soon be trying to keep this rebellious kid from things like drugs, alcohol and sex. Truly, there would be many ravenous alligators in her river within a year or two. While I agreed with the mother that adolescence should not be rushed into prematurely, there were higher goals than maintaining a proper developmental timetable. Save your big guns for those crucial confrontations.
Ask yourself this question: "Is it worth risking everything of value to enforce a particular standard upon this son or daughter?" If the issue is important enough to defend at all costs, then brace yourself and make your stand. But think through those intractable matters in advance and plan your defense of them thoroughly.
The philosophy we applied with our teenagers (and you might try with yours) can be called "loosen and tighten." By this I mean we tried to loosen our grip on everything that had no lasting significance, and tighten down on everything that did. We said "yes" whenever we possibly could, to give support to the occasional "no." And most importantly, we tried never to get too far away from our kids emotionally.
Also, try hard not to hassle your kids. They hate to be nagged. If you follow them around with one complaint after another, they are almost forced to protect themselves by appearing deaf. And finally, continue to treat them with respect, even when punishment or restrictions are necessary. Occasionally, you may even need to say, "I'm sorry!"
Maintain a reserve army. A good military general will never commit all his troops to combat at the same time. He maintains a reserve force that can relieve the exhausted soldiers when they falter on the front lines. Parents of adolescents should implement the same strategy. Instead, many commit every ounce of their energy and every second of their time to the business of living.
An adolescent can turn a house upside down both literally and figuratively. Not only is the typical rebellion of those years an extremely stressful experience, but the chauffeuring, supervising, cooking and cleaning required to support an adolescent can be exhausting. Parents must reserve the energy to cope with those new challenges. Remember, too, that menopause and a man's mid-life crisis are scheduled to coincide with adolescence, which makes for a wicked soup! It is a wise mother or father who doesn't become exhausted at a time when so much is going on at home.
To help you get through the turbulence of adolescence, you should:
- Keep your schedule simple.
- Get plenty of rest.
- Eat nutritious meals.
- Stay on your knees in prayer.
When fatigue leads adults to act like hot-tempered teenagers, anything can happen at home.
Re-establish the boundaries. Suppose that Brian is now 14 years old and has entered a period of rebelliousness and defiance. Last Friday night, he arrived home an hour beyond his deadline, but he refused to explain why he was late or make apologetic noises. What course of action would be best for his parent to take?
If you were Brian's father, I would recommend that you invite him out to breakfast during a relatively tranquil time. Admit that you have some important matters to discuss with him, which can't be communicated adequately at home. Then at the appropriate moment during breakfast, convey the following message (or an adaptation thereof):
Brian, I wanted to talk to you this morning because of the changes that are taking place in you and in our home. We both know that the past few weeks have not been very pleasant. You have been angry most of the time and have become disobedient and rude. I've said things I regretted. This is not what God wants of me as your parent.
This is a final phase of childhood. Nearly everyone on earth goes through these rough years during their early teens. There are even greater pressures on kids today than when I was young.
But Brian, you must understand this message: You are not grown yet. You have wanted me to leave you alone. But you are not ready for complete independence, and I would be showing hatred for you (instead of love) if I surrendered at this time. I would regret my mistake for the rest of my life, and you would soon blame me, too.
I want to make a pledge to you, here and now: I intend to be more sensitive to your needs and feelings than I have been in the past. When you seek a new privilege, I'm going to ask myself this question, "Is there any way I can grant this request without harming Brian or other people?" If I can permit what you want in good conscience, I will do so. I will compromise and bend as far as my best judgement will let me.
But hear this, Brian. There will be a few matters that cannot be compromised. There will be occasions when I will have to say "no." And when those times come, you can expect me to stand like the Rock of Gibraltar. No amount of violence and temper tantrums and door slamming will change a thing. In fact, if you choose to fight me in those remaining rules, then I promise that you will lose dramatically. You're too big and grown up to spank, but I can still make you uncomfortable. So it's up to you. We can have a peaceful time of cooperation at home, or we can spend this last part of your childhood in unpleasantness and struggle. Either way, you will arrive home when you are told, and you will carry your share of responsibility in the family and you will continue to respect me.
Finally, I love you more than you can imagine, and I'm going to remain your friend during this difficult time. Life involves disappointment and loss and rejection and aging and sickness and ultimately death. You haven't felt much of that discomfort yet, but you'll taste it soon enough. So with all the heartache outside our door, let's not bring more of it on ourselves. We need each other.
The content of this message should be modified to fit individual circumstances and the needs of particular adolescents. Furthermore, the responses of children will vary tremendously from person to person. An "open" boy or girl may reveal his deepest feelings at such a moment of communication, permitting a priceless time of catharsis and ventilation. On the other hand, a stubborn, defiant, proud adolescent may sit immobile with head downward. But even if your teenager remains stoic or hostile, at least the cards have been laid on the table and parental intentions explained.
God's plan for us
I don't believe the task of procreation was intended to be so burdensome. Of course, it is demanding. But parents in the 20th century have saddled themselves with unnecessary guilt, fear and self-doubt. That is not the divine plan.
Throughout the Scriptures, it is quite clear that the raising of children is viewed as a wonderful blessing from God ??? a welcome, joyful experience. And today, it remains one of the greatest privileges in living to bring a baby into the world ... a vulnerable little human being who looks to us for all his needs. What a wonderful opportunity it is to teach these little ones to love God with all their hearts and to serve their fellowman throughout their lives. There is no higher calling than that!
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Other Things to Consider
Related Topics
Relationships: Blended Families, Parents and Adult Children
Transitions: Preparing for Adolescence, Empty Nest
