Why Teens Have Sex
Inner drives. Normal adolescents even yours have sexual interests and feelings. They also deeply need love and affirmation. As a result, they can become emotionally and sexually attracted to others around them and drawn toward physical intimacy. Sadly, our culture practically drowns kids in sexual temptation.
Seductive messages. Virtually all popular media (movies, TV, videos, music, the Internet) as well as educational, healthcare and governmental organizations have been influenced by the sexual revolution of the 1960s. As a result, unless they live in complete isolation, adolescents are regularly exposed to sexually provocative material that expresses immoral viewpoints, fires up sexual desires and wears down resistance to physical intimacy. Even in the "safe" confines of the classroom, a teenager's natural modesty may be dismantled during explicit presentations about sexual matters in mixed company.
Lack of supervision. Because of fragmented families, complex parental work schedules, easier access to transportation and at times, carelessness among adults who should know better, adolescents today are more likely to find opportunities to be alone together for long stretches of time. In such circumstances, nature is likely to take its course, even when a commitment has been made to wait until the wedding night for sex.
Overbearing, overprotective supervision. Adolescents who are smothered in a controlling, micromanaging, suspicious environment are strong candidates for rebellion once the opportunity arises. Ironically, a big (and dangerous) rebellion may represent an effort to break loose from an overabundance of trivial constraints. Parents can set appropriate boundaries while still entrusting adolescents with increasing responsibility to manage themselves and their sexuality.
Peer pressure. This ever-present influence comes in three powerful forms:
- A general sense that "everyone is doing it except me."
- Personal comments from friends and acquaintances including disparaging remarks like "Hey, check out Jason, the last American virgin!"
Direct pressure from another person who wants a sexual experience or an invitation from a willing potential partner. Come-ons, smooth talk and outright coercion by men who want sex with a woman are timeworn negative behaviors. Resistance to them may be lowered by a need for closeness and acceptance and the mistaken belief that physical intimacy will secure a man's love. In recent years a turnabout has become common: A young man is informed by his girlfriend that she wants to have sex with him. In a situation like this, personal convictions that sex is intended for marriage will be put to the ultimate test.
Lack of reasons (and desire) to wait. The majority of teenagers keep an informal mental tally of reasons for and against premarital sex. Inner longings and external pressure pull them toward it, while standards taught at home and church, medical warnings and commonsense restraints put on the brakes.
For many teenagers (even those who intend to abstain until marriage), decisions about sex tend to be made based on the drift of this internal "vote count." When the moment of truth arrives, the tally may be close or a landslide in the wrong direction. Adolescents with a shaky or negative self-concept may be particularly vulnerable to sexual involvement when one of the reasons is the possibility of winning approval from their peers. Therefore, without being overbearing or obsessive, make an effort to have ongoing dialogues with your teenager about the many compelling reasons to postpone sex until the wedding night. (It should go without saying that you should be talking to your teenager about many things besides areas of concern and danger. If your communication is smooth in other less volatile areas, it will likely flow more easily with a sensitive topic such as sexuality.) The following list of reasons to wait may help you formulate and express your thoughts during these important conversations:
The incidence of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) has reached epidemic proportions. Several of these diseases are incurable, some are fatal, and many have long-term physical and emotional consequences.
Sex is how babies get started. Each year one million teenagers will become pregnant, resulting in more than 400,000 abortions and nearly a half million births. 1 Whatever the circumstances of the sexual encounter that began it, a pregnancy cannot be ignored, and whatever follows, it will have a permanent impact on the young mother's life.
Infertility. An estimated 10 to 15 percent of couples (about 10 million people) have difficulty conceiving. A significant number (but not all) of these infertility problems arise as a consequence of sexually transmitted diseases and thus could have been avoided if both husband and wife had postponed sex until marriage.
"Safe(r) sex" isn't. Many people believe that teens will avoid the physical consequences of sex if they take certain precautions, including 1) limiting their number of sexual partners, 2) knowing their potential partner's sexual history and avoiding having sex with someone who has had many partners, and 3) using a condom. Unfortunately, scientific study and experience have shown that safer sex is not foolproof, and the results can be devastating.
- Devaluation. Sex outside of the commitment of a marital relationship devalues the act and the individuals involved.
- Sex never enhances a teenage romance. It almost always overwhelms and stifles the relationship. Condoms can't prevent a broken heart, and antibiotics can't cure one.
- The "damaged goods" self-concept. Early sexual experiences never enhance self-esteem but usually leave a strong feeling of having been used, violated and devalued.
- Despite the rising tide of sexual anarchy in our society, a great many people still believe the words right and wrong apply to sexual behavior. Even someone with a casual exposure to traditional Judeo-Christian values should pick up an important message: The Designer of sex cares a lot about when it's done and with whom. Sex outside of marriage can be dangerous to one's physical, emotional and spiritual health. Even for those who do not follow specific religious precepts, basic decency and concern for the well being of others should curtail the vast majority of sexual adventures, which so often are loaded with selfish agendas.
What lowers the risk for teen sex:
Studies have shown that religious commitment consistently lowers the likelihood of adolescent sexual behavior.
- Educational accomplishment/commitment to school.
- Friends who have a similar commitment to abstinence.
- Presence of both parents in the home, especially the biological father. Positive involvement of a father with his teenage offspring has been shown to be an effective deterrent to early sexual activity.
- Parental and community values that support sexual abstinence until marriage and making them clearly known.
- A host of other interesting activities and passions. Adolescents who have other burning interests such as earning academic honors; starting on a certain career path; participating in ministry or excelling in music, drama, sports or other areas will be less likely to allow premature sexual involvement to derail their plans and dreams.
Be a role model for the kinds of relationships you want your kids to develop with members of the opposite sex.
Parents should make every effort to keep their marriage intact and to nourish, enrich and celebrate it, demonstrating respect and affection for each other on an ongoing basis. This gives adolescents a sense of security and a strong attachment to your values.
Fathers have a particularly important role to play. A boy who sees his father treat his mother with physical and verbal courtesies and is taught to do likewise will be more likely to carry this behavior and attitude into his own relationships with women. Girls who are consistently affirmed, cherished and treated respectfully by their fathers aren't as likely to begin a desperate search for male affection that could lead to sexual involvement. Furthermore, they will expect appropriate behavior from the other men in their lives.
Single parents who are bringing up teenagers must repeatedly affirm them and create as stable a home life as possible. Values concerning nonmarital sex should be practiced as well as preached. A sexually active single parent or one who has a live-in partner is proclaiming in no uncertain terms that this activity is all right for teenagers as well.
Background Information
Questions and Answers
Stories
If you've been through a experience related to this topic, we invite you to share your story with others.Share Your Story
Other Things to Consider
Related Topics
Relationships: Blended Families, Parents and Adult Children
Transitions: Preparing for Adolescence, Empty Nest
