Teens and Respect

Question and Answer

My teen says we're being disrespectful toward him, yet he's the one acting disrespectfully toward us. What should we do?

Clarify what "respect" really means. It does not mean giving him his way. Nor does it mean doing things your way. It's not even agreeing. It's not automatically trusting someone. According to Webster, respect is a courteous consideration of another person. Respect is separate from decisions, rules or actions. It is how you treat the other person while making your decisions and enforcing your rules.

A common trap teens fall into is thinking that if you don't agree with them or do what they want you are acting disrespectfully toward them. Not true. Parents can fall into this same trap. You can be respectful toward your son while grounding him. He can voice disagreement with you and still demonstrate "courteous consideration."

As the adult, be the first to extend respect by making and enforcing reasonable rules fairly. Don't yell, manipulate, name-call, attack his character, get physical, "Bible-thump" or threaten. Be as clear as you can about what you take exception to and don't "micro-manage" your adolescent.

Point out exactly how you are demonstrating courteous consideration toward him. He may not agree or even want to see it that way. Verbalize it anyway.

Address the issue at hand and the disrespectful attitude, untangling the two. Keep the issues separate by asking, "How might you disagree with me and still show respect?" or "How can you be angry at your mother and still treat her respectfully?" Ask, "What would it look like if I respected you and yet disagreed with you?"

Give your son permission to dislike or disagree with you. Of course, he still has to accept your decisions. Many times, parents want their teenager to follow the rules and agree with them. Focus on your son's compliance and the respect he shows to family members. Let him "like" or "dislike" his circumstances all he wants. As adults, we do many things we don't really "like" to do, yet we do them anyway. It's a good lesson for teens to learn if they plan to function in the adult world.

Finally, realize that you can't demand respect. You may need to deal with the disappointment, hurt and/or embarrassment resulting from a disrespectful son. Prayerfully sort out your own emotions with your spouse, a friend, a minister or a counselor. Face it, you may not be "liked" at times, even if you do everything correctly or wisely. Do what is right, even if it brings some distress to the immediate relationship. Remember, you're making a long-term investment.