Different Homes, Different Values: Uniting Instead of Fighting
When my husband and I first got married, we were immersed immediately in "blending" a household of five children from our first marriages. As if that wasn't enough of a task, we also faced the enormous challenge of trying to get along with a former spouse who did not share our values and harbored a huge amount of unresolved bitterness and anger we didn't seem to see eye-to-eye about anything!
Every encounter with this former spouse, whether by phone or in-person, ended in confrontation. The anger was contagious, especially when passionate issues regarding the children surfaced. Sadly, those conversations left deep-seeded problems unresolved and almost always left us struggling to gain any positive ground.
My husband and I quickly learned that if we did not prepare before any encounters with the ex, the anger generated would turn us against each other or turn outward toward our kids. Each angry phone call ended with us arguing or yelling at the kids.
The unresolved anger seemed to need a target, and the one who instigated the anger was not around. The former spouse would walk away or hang up the phone, and the anger if left unchecked simply turned itself on us. It was a vicious cycle that had to be broken if our stepfamily was to survive.
Where does the anger come from?
In a stepfamily, anger is really not caused by the words a former spouse, child or stepchild or spouse said to you. The anger stems from the fact that their words touched some of your own fears or insecurities. In stepfamilies, the root of anger is often control (or lack of it) and guilt.
Control
One of the hardest things to deal with after divorce in particular is that the control of your children has been taken out of your hands. The courts call the shots; judges who have never met you tell you how often you can visit your kids; and anything your former spouse chooses to do is out of your hands. That loss of control is scary and can be a breeding ground for bitterness.
You cannot control what happens in your children's other household. As stepfamily expert Ron L. Deal puts it, "The kids are citizens of two different countries, with two different languages, cultures, and sets of values." Your kids, in order to be emotionally stable, must have the freedom to love both "countries" and to freely come and go between their two countries with as few loyalty conflicts as possible. In simple terms, the best gift you can give your kids is to tolerate and, yes, even love their other parent.
Guilt
Anger is often the result of any comment that brings back to the surface the guilt felt after divorce or even death of a spouse. There may be guilt that you left your kids, guilt that your spouse left you, guilt that you could not protect your children from the death of their mom or dad, guilt that you remarried someone your kids do not like, guilt that your children have to share you with new family members and so on. Guilt is everywhere for the stepfamily, but it does not have to take control of your emotions.
If guilt is causing you to parent too permissively, respond to your family or former spouse with anger, or shut down emotionally, it needs to be eliminated from your life. Guilt goes away when handled correctly. To get rid of guilt, you must first be sorry for hurt that you have caused and apologize to both God and to the people you have hurt even if the people you must apologize to have also hurt you. Apology is a marvelously freeing act of repentance, confession, and be forgiveness. God will forgive you, even if others still hold a grudge; and guilt will loosen its hold on your heart.
If guilt still tries to rear its ugly head after you have apologized and tried to make amends, seek help from a professional or pastoral counselor. Their expertise in dealing with interpersonal relationships can help you in yours.
Uniting Values
Making peace between your children's two households is not an easy task; for many stepfamilies, it may be nearly impossible. Your children may always have two totally different lifestyle examples before them. Getting angry about it won't change that. However, you can be the example by stepping back, walking away, or telling family members that you need a little time to get your emotions under control. Diffuse your negative emotions so that they do not spill onto them.
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