When a Parent Has Cancer: Helping Children Face the Crisis
Janaha gently lifted her mother's arm, which was still sore from the recent double mastectomy, and glided the sponge along her torso. Bending over the bathtub, Janaha discovered strands of hair beginning to fall from her mother's head. How childlike she looks, Janaha thought, toweling off her mother's shivering body a few minutes later. She didn't have the heart to tell her mother about the hair. But inside, Janaha cried the tears that she knew her mother would cry later.
That was the day Janaha and her mother switched roles, a pattern that would continue for the next three years as her mother's cancer worsened. While spending most of her time practicing the skills of caregiving, Janaha was also going to school and working a part-time job. But unlike most caregivers, Janaha was only 16.
Because she thought she had to be strong for her mother and for her dad and older brother Janaha was often unsure of her feelings. "There were a lot of things that I felt afraid to feel," Janaha remembered. "We had so many mixed emotions running throughout our household that I didn't know what I was supposed to be feeling." For example, when her mother seemed happy, Janaha kept a tight lid on her own feelings. "I remember thinking, If I go to her and tell her I'm afraid and I'm hurting and I'm depressed, then that's going to make her get depressed and feel the pain again."
Without her mother to turn to, Janaha tried talking with a few friends about her fears and sadness. But they didn't understand and sometimes didn't want to listen. One friend even told her to "get over it." So Janaha spent a lot of time alone in her room.
A need for support
When a parent is diagnosed with cancer, it shakes the entire family, especially the children, who can feel paralyzed by the fear of losing a parent. Whether they reverse roles with a parent, as Janaha did, or continue their daily routines as before, their emotional needs, which are as urgent as those of the parent with cancer, are often overlooked.
In some families, parents provide an environment in which children can freely express their fears, anxieties, doubts and anger. But whether or not children feel free to express their feelings, they need all the help they can get. Friends or relatives can help. How do we bear one another's burdens when such heavy burdens are being shouldered by children?
One of the best ways to help children facing the crisis of a parent with cancer is to show interest in their feelings. Although they may appreciate being asked, "How's your mom doing?" or "Is your dad feeling any better?" they can feel lost if we don't follow those questions with "And how are you doing?" If they don't know what they're feeling, which is often true, they may not find the question helpful. But you can demonstrate interest by spending extra time with them, allowing more opportunities to talk openly.
Depending on their ages and interests, you might read with them, play games or take them out for ice cream. Sometimes you can use an activity as a springboard for conversations about their parent's illness. Another way to help children identify feelings about their parent's cancer is by asking questions such as, "How has life been different at your house lately?" or "What do you think about when you're waiting for your mom to get her treatments?" If they seem to express a feeling, you can respond by asking about what you sense, such as, "You look worried. Are you afraid of what might happen to you?"
Of course, efforts to help a child should be done only with the parents' permission and involve them as much as possible. Invite them to join you during activities and discussions when possible, and at least keep them informed about their children's responses. If the children are teenagers, however, they might share things they don't feel comfortable expressing to their parents, and they may appreciate assurance of confidentiality. In that case, encourage them to talk to their parents and offer to go along if they are still reluctant.
When children talk with you about their feelings, assure them it's okay to feel afraid, frustrated, angry, disappointed or sad. Remind yourself as well so that you don't try to fix the situation by cheering them up. If they begin to cry, hold them and let them cry. Let children know there's an open invitation to talk, and communicate hope and concern in your conversations. We might tell them, for example, "I believe God will take care of your family." However, avoid telling them things you don't know for certain, such as, "Your dad's going to be all right." Also avoid responding with unsolicited advice or platitudes, including Scripture verses such as "All things work together for good."
An aid to parents
When you lighten a child's burden, you lighten the parent's burden as well. Be ready to fill in some gaps that have resulted from the parent's inability to do ordinary things. If a child's birthday is coming up, help with planning a party or baking cupcakes to take to school. A thoughtful gesture will put the parent at ease and comfort the child in the midst of disappointments from their parent's physical limitations.
Several friends of Janaha's mother lightened Janaha's burden by spending time individually with her, before and after her mother's death. Jesus said, "Whoever welcomes a little child...in my name welcomes me" (Matthew 18:5). When you lighten a child's burden, you welcome more of Jesus into your life and into the life of the child.
Barbara Milligan lives in the San Francisco Bay area with her husband, John. She is the author of Desperate Hope: Experiencing God in the Midst of Breast Cancer (InterVarsity Press, 1999).
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