When the In-laws are in Town

by Susan Yates

My friend had a problem. "Susan," she said, "you know I've struggled with my mother and my in-laws. Fortunately, we don't live in the same town. But now, my husband has been offered a great job in the town where they all live. If we move, my mother who is old and all alone will expect our attention. My in-laws will also expect us to visit often. But our values are different from theirs. They spoil our kids and give our son candy, even though he's allergic to it. No matter what, I won't be able to please everyone, and I'm afraid the tension might hurt our marriage."

My friend's problem is all too common. How do we build strong relationships with parents and in-laws? What can we do when we disagree in crucial areas? Is it possible to please our mates and parents at the same time? And how do we develop good relationships between grandparents and grandchildren? Here are some actions we can take to strengthen the bonds between generations.

Show thoughtfulness

It's easy to expect our parents to initiate activities with us. After all, they are our parents. We've grown up responding to them. So we wait. But could it be they're waiting for us to reach out to them?

The answer is yes.

Jodie has always had a difficult relationship with her dad, and yet she longs to grow closer to him. As we chatted, I asked her, "What does your dad like to do?"

After thinking for a moment, she replied, "Well, he often goes on long walks."

"Ask if you could join him for a walk," I suggested. "Go with him with no other objective in mind than to enjoy being with him. And go as often as you can. You'll be amazed how a simple walk can open the doors to a deeper relationship."