Ex-spouse Undermining Relationship with Child

Question and Answer

Upset with her dad, Gary, for leaving home, Becky often refuses to spend time with him. Gary thought Becky's mom, Stacey, encouraged this attitude to undermine the visitation schedule they had agreed on in court. Stacey feels trapped between her ex-husband and her daughter. How should she respond?

Even without speaking a word about her ex, Stacey may be setting an emotional tone that supports Becky's resistance. Moreover, if Stacey voices her anger and hurt around her daughter, Becky may take on the role of protecting mom. While Stacey may occasionally express negative feelings about Gary to Becky, she should avoid making her daughter an emotional confidante. Instead, Stacey should communicate about Gary in ways that serve Becky's interests, not her own.

Nonetheless, Becky's resistance may arise from her own disappointment with Gary and have nothing to do with Stacey's actions. Research backs this up. In a groundbreaking study, Drs. Judith Wallerstein and Joan Kelly found that more than 50 percent of the children involved in custody battles thought their fathers were insensitive to their pain at the time of the divorce.

This information brings up a dilemma: If Stacey tells her daughter to "buck up and go see your dad," Becky could stuff her anger, making her a prime candidate for depression. But if Stacey lets her daughter's anger go unchecked, Becky could become bitter and unable to forgive. To avoid these extremes, Stacey should:

Provide a listening ear for Becky's feelings about her dad. After all, Becky has cause for anger. Remember Jesus' response in Luke 17:2 to those who cause children to stumble. ["It would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around his neck than for him to cause one of these little ones to sin."]

Model forgiveness toward Gary. Stacey's behavior toward her ex-husband could mean more to Becky than any words spoken.

Find someone to mediate Gary and Becky's concerns. In some situations, the custodial parent can play this role. But since Gary already thinks Stacey caused the rift between him and his daughter, a pastor, counselor or friend might make a better choice. In any case, both Becky and Gary need to trust the mediator.