Question and Answer

My husband, Paul, has been having an affair for the past three months and is living with the woman. How should I respond in the event that he leaves her and asks me to forgive him and take him back? Should I just throw my arms open and pretend the affair never happened?

Well, you should certainly take him back. But your power to negotiate necessary changes will never be greater than in that moment, and you should not deal it away too quickly. I would suggest that you get Paul's written commitment to participate in counseling immediately, not even waiting two or three weeks to get started. Old patterns will persist if serious effort is not made to change them. Your family also has some deep wounds to work through, and they're not likely to complete that healing process on their own. You must make it clear that never again -- and I mean never -- will sexual unfaithfulness be tolerated.

Paul needs this motivation to go straight. He must know, and believe, that the sky will fall if he has one more escapade or even a serious flirtation with another lover. You must convince him that you mean business. If he wavers, even slightly, give him another month or two to sit somewhere wishing he could come home. Better that you continue at the door of matrimonial death now than go through the misery of infidelity again in a few years. Finally, insist on some major spiritual commitments within the family. Your marriage is going to need the healing powers of God and His grace if you are to rebuild what sin has eroded.

Background Information

Questions and Answers

Stories

If you've been through a experience related to this topic, we invite you to share your story with others.
Share Your Story

Other Things to Consider

Love & SexDating, Living Together

TransitionsGetting Married

Abuse & AddictionsPornography and Cybersex, Physical and Verbal Abuse