How can I motivate my freeloading 27-year-old daughter?

Question and Answer

Our 24-year-old daughter came home from college and moved back into her old bedroom. Now, three years later, she's still there. She doesn't work, she has no ambition or direction, and she seems perfectly content to freeload on her dad and me. I know she ought to get on with her life, but what can I do? I can't just force her out, can I?

Your daughter is not alone. Millions of young adults are living at home and loving it. They have no intention of growing up -- and why should they? The nest is just too comfortable there. Food is prepared. Clothes are laundered, and the bills are paid. There's no incentive to face the cold world of reality, and they are determined not to budge. Some, like your daughter, even refuse to work.

I know it's difficult to dislodge a homebound son or daughter. They're like furry little puppies who hang around the back door waiting for a saucer of warm milk. But to let them stay year after year, especially if they're not pursuing career goals, is to cultivate irresponsibility and dependency. That's not love, even though it may feel like it. There comes the time when you must gently but forthrightly hand the reins over to your adult daughter and force her to stand on her own. I think it's time to help her pack.

Giving a shove to a 27-year-old woman may seem cruel at the time, but I encourage you to consider emancipating her. The parental gravy train probably should go around the bend. If that never happens, lasting characteristics of dependency and immaturity may ensue.

I suggest you sit down and talk to your daughter, explaining why the time has come for her to make a life of her own. Set a deadline, perhaps two or three weeks ahead, and begin preparing for it. Then give her a big hug, a promise of prayers, and send her on her way.