Your New Family

The sleeper movie hit of 2002 was My Big Fat Greek Wedding. This small-budget film made loads of money, surprising everyone involved, as Americans from all cultural backgrounds laughed their way through the painfully hilarious story of a Greek woman €™s engagement and subsequent marriage to a non-Greek man. It wasn €™t the specifics that hit home with audiences many had never heard of moussaka or seen a family so focused around old country tradition. So why was the story universally appealing? Anyone who €™s ever been engaged knows how hard it can be to blend into someone else €™s family.

What you grew up with how your family handles conflict, celebrates holidays, even what they eat no matter how strange to the rest of the world, is, to you, €œnormal. € Chances are that what your fiancΓ© grew up with a life totally different from yours is €œnormal € to him, too. Attempting to harmonize these two versions of €œnormal € can create an abundance of turmoil.

In Greek Wedding, this turmoil made for lots of laughable moments. The turning point of the movie is when the heroine, Tula, begs her fiancΓ©, Ian, to elope to Vegas, Niagara Falls or Fiji in an effort to escape the tension. She loves Ian and she loves her family, but she can €™t imagine how they €™ll ever come to understand or love each other.

The bride and groom are finally able to put an end to the tension in a way best summarized by Tula €™s brother, Nick. In a quiet moment between brother and sister, he says, €œDon €™t let your past dictate who you are, but let it be part of who you will become. €

And therein lies the challenge. It €™s tempting to hold on to old habits. It can feel threatening to parents when you and your spouse start trying out new ways of doing things. Some in-laws may see your new way as a personal attack. Feeling offended, they might try to influence you, much like your parents did when you were a child living under their roof.

How you handle this delicate time of transition from the parental home to your own will set the tone for the rest of your marriage that is, forever. It comes down to your perspective.

A brand new family identity

When a new piece of software debuts, it €™s often called €œversion 1.0. € Similarly, your marriage is not an extension of your parents €™ relationship; you are not a 2.0 version of the home you grew up in. When you get married, you and your spouse have a chance to form something brand new: a 1.0 family.

Being €œ1.0 € means you get to flesh out all the things that make you, as a new family, unique. You €™ll likely retain some of the characteristics and traditions of your childhood home (hopefully the good ones!). But you have an opportunity as a couple to form new ways of doing things. It €™s not a fight over whose way will prevail, but a synthesis of what you both bring to the relationship. It €™s not my way or his way, but our way.

For Jake and me, that meant talking through our parents €™ way of doing things and deciding which habits we liked enough to keep, which we did not wish to repeat and which new actions and beliefs we wanted to adopt as our own.

That meant long discussions while dating, before the wedding and during the honeymoon year. We talked about everything from how to handle conflict to how to spend our time and money and when to start a family. Talking about the principles that will guide your life together means deciding what €™s worthy of effort and then making plans to achieve those goals.

For example, we agreed in principle that a strong family relationship with both sets of in-laws was a worthy goal. From there, we started working on strategies for reaching our goal. The first and obvious step was to spend time with our in-laws. But we needed some tactics for doing that in a constructive way.

Agreeing to disagree

Jake was really good at reminding me that our duty was to pour unconditional love on our parents. At the most basic level, we needed to respect them. That didn €™t mean we always had to agree with them, but how we approached disagreement made all the difference.

At first, Jake €™s family threatened me because their way of doing things was so foreign to me. I came from a family where everyone said what was on their mind. We were loud and opinionated, quick to disagree but also quick to forgive. Jake €™s family was just the opposite. They were polite and quiet about a lot of things and no one ever crossed his parents. If his dad said something that I knew Jake disagreed with, he would just take it in stride, nod and not protest. I assumed of course, this meant Jake was one person with me and another with his mom and dad. The inconsistency made me wonder if I could trust him. It never occurred to me that from his point of view, some things simply weren €™t worth fighting about.

In my family, unresolved issues didn €™t rest. We talked them out till everyone was on the same page or someone at least appeared to €œwin € the debate. In Jake €™s family, many unresolved issues stayed that way and what made it worse, in my mind, was that his parents didn €™t even know we disagreed with them!

It was one thing when the disagreement was over some religious or political point, but I projected far into the future: what would happen when we disagreed on issues of child rearing and discipline?

Jake was patient with me, trying to reign in my energy for raising and settling debates. He assured me that he knew the difference between disagreements that were non-essential (like whether the president was a crook) and those that mattered (like who would be permitted to discipline our children). If I could just learn to hold my tongue when the discussion was trivial, I €™d have a lot more goodwill built up for things that mattered.

Not all disagreements are created equally. Remember that some things are worth fighting about to the point of resolution, and some are not. If you disagree with your father-in-law €™s politics and think his ideas about the death penalty, for example, are off base, it €™s probably ok if he doesn €™t know.

When controversy is swirling around you, there €™s great comfort in knowing you and your husband are on the same page, even if you don €™t share that fact with your relatives. So take some time alone during visits with the in-laws to discuss what €™s being said and how you feel about it.

When disagreements arise, it €™s possible to be true to each other and your new 1.0 way of doing things and still respect your parents. The most practical way is to simply avoid the conflict. Just listen or nod in acknowledgement that you hear what they €™re saying. You can ask them questions and demonstrate interest without agreeing.

If it €™s an issue worth arguing about like their attempts to control your time, money or children do so calmly. Resist the urge to yell and scream like you did as a teen. You €™re an adult now and your parents and in-laws are more likely to treat you that way if you act like one. It €™s important to model the behavior you want your family to adopt. Explain that now that you are married, your first loyalty and responsibility is to your spouse. Reassure your parents that you love them and always will, but you won €™t always agree with them. Remind them that you respect their right to disagree with but not disrespect you and your wife.

Finally, if you feel you €™ve done your best to communicate love and respect for your parents and in-laws, yet find your marriage and family facing constant struggles or serious interference from others, it may be time for you to consider bringing someone else into the picture. Going with your spouse to a professional marriage and family counselor could be the next step in establishing a stronger, better relationship between the two of you and your parents/in-laws.

Your in-law troubles may be completely different from the ones described here, but principles for harmony can apply across a wide range of issues. Every situation is different, but any marriage benefits when the spouses recognize that they, as a couple, are a new and unique family unit.

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