adoption

Defusing Preteen Battles

You want your preteen to do some simple task, but the answer is a curt "no." You quickly launch into lecture mode, and your child responds with eye-rolling or arguing.

While you probably don't like these battles, you're actually witnessing signs that your middle schooler is taking steps toward adult independence. Overall this quest for independence is a good thing; you want your child to become an adult capable of making good decisions.

But right now, you are where you are — in a power struggle with an 11- or 12-year-old. What do you do?

Enlist your child's help. Have a calm conversation removed from recent battles. Ask something like: "We know that we love each other, but lately we end up yelling a lot (or whatever behavior is showing itself). What can we do to make our home one where we show our love for each other?"

Listen to his answer. This is the hardest part. Don't be defensive. After you've heard him, offer some of your own ideas. Together you can arrive at a solution.

Make sure your child knows your expectations. Post a list of chores on the fridge or create a "responsibility" notebook. Add a line, similar to many professional job descriptions, that says "the boss" (Mom or Dad) can assign other appropriate tasks to be done without complaining.

Give rewards for compliance. "We agree that you'll receive an extra half hour of TV-watching (or video-game playing) for each day you immediately follow through with instructions."

Lay down some consequences. As your child heads toward independence, he'll be expected to obey society's laws. For example when he drives, he can't exceed the speed limit or he'll eventually get caught and have to pay fines. Agree on a fine system. If your child gets an allowance, deduct 25 or 50 cents every time he argues or is disrespectful to you about something you say or a task that needs to be completed. If he runs out of money, add chores to work off the debt.

By enlisting some of these ideas, you'll be teaching your child some valuable life lessons that will prepare him for true independence in a few short years.

Background Information

Agency Adoptions
When it is time to evaluate adoption agencies, consider these pros and cons.

Where Have All the Babies Gone?
The top reasons fewer babies are available to the growing number of couples who want to adopt.

Adopting on Your Own
This advice can help single parents who want to adopt children.

Causes and Characteristics of Attachment Disorder
For adoptive parents, attachment issues can be a huge concern.

Independent Adoption
These are the risks and rewards of adopting without the help of an agency.

Questions and Answers

Are adopted children more likely to be rebellious than children raised by biological parents?
Answer

How would you go about telling a child he or she is adopted, and when should that disclosure occur?
Answer

Review Frequently Asked Questions

Stories

Reflections on Bonding With an Adopted Child
Bonding with an adopted child can take time — and great patience.

A Second Chance at Life
Two adopted children arrived from the most unlikely of sources.

Adoption as Grace
How does enlarging your family reflect God's love?

An Act of Grace
In the midst of ethical ambiguity, one infertility treatment is a welcome development.

Climbing the Hills
A father tells his story of adopting his daughter from Russia.

If you've been through a experience related to this topic, we invite you to share your story with others.
Share Your Story

Other Things to Consider

Where is God in the Midst of All My Troubles?
So many cry out to Him in times of need, but is God really listening? And, more important, does He care?

Life PressuresWorking Moms, Stay-at-Home Moms

RelationshipsBlended Families, Divorce, Parents and Adult Children, Caring for Elderly Parents