When 'The Morning After' Comes Too Soon
If facilitating adolescent sex is a bad idea, so is ignoring it. Equally unproductive is blowing up, finger wagging, lecturing or name calling. This is a significant family problem, deserving a loving and thoughtful response. The goal is to contain the damage and coach your adolescent toward healthier and more rational decisions. Therefore:
- Think before you react. It is normal to feel upset and disappointed, and you will probably need a couple of days to settle down. Setting a time to talk about what has happened may be more appropriate than risking a more volatile, spur of the moment confrontation. Ultimately, emotions should fuel appropriate actions rather than ongoing, angry outbursts.
- Ask open ended questions.An example of an open ended question is, "Can you tell me about your relationship with ___?" Judgmental questions are "How could you have done this?" or "What in the world were you thinking?" Listen to the whole story (or as much as you are given) before offering your viewpoint. Eye-rolling, crossed arms, finger drumming and editorial comments will shut off communication in a hurry.
- Put the emphasis on the big picture. You want your son or daughter to have a long life, good health, meaningful relationships and freedom from unnecessary turmoil. Premarital sexual activity jeopardizes all of those goals. Be prepared to explain why. Based on your broader range of experience and knowledge, you must tackle one of the most important jobs of parenting opening your children"s eyes to life's many consequences.
- Don't tear down your teenager's sense of worth. Comments such as "I am so ashamed of you" or "How could you act like such a jerk/tramp/lowlife?" cause the teen to feel worthless. This kind of rejection and judgment is what drives a lot of adolescents to sexual activity. A strong sense of identity and conviction that one's future is worth protecting are deterrents to reckless or immoral behavior. This is a great time to be an example, extend grace and practice forgiveness toward your teenager.
- Stress the importance of new beginnings. Many teens who have been sexually active are willing to commit to secondary virginity, postponing any further sexual relationships until marriage. Actively encourage such a decision. Otherwise the feeling that "it doesn't matter anymore" may lead to more bad decisions.
- Get medical input.A doctor's evaluation should be on the agenda to check for STDs (and for girls, to obtain a Pap test or perhaps a pregnancy test). Choose your provider carefully. It won't help your adolescent choose abstinence if he or she has a doctor who feels teens can't control their sexual urges and who, therefore, emphasizes methods of contraception.
- Strongly consider getting your son or daughter (and yourself) into counseling. A counselor whom you trust may be able to talk more candidly to your son or daughter about sexuality while promoting the decision to remain abstinent. Sexual activity may be a symptom of deeper problems that need ongoing work. Be prepared to put in time with the counselor yourself to deal with the causes and effects of this problem within your family.
- Be prepared to take action.Sexual activity in the elementary or middle school grades deserves action appropriate for the situation and the age of your adolescent. A highly concerted effort from parents, physicians, counselors and others (a trusted youth group leader at church, for example) will help deal with the behavior and with underlying issues. A sexually active 12 or 13-year-old has experienced a serious breach of physical and emotional boundaries, and considerable work will be needed to repair the damage.
- You may need to have one or more candid conversations with your adolescent's partner(s) and, possibly, the parents of the other individual(s) as well. More often than not, this will lead to one or more relationships being terminated and implementation of much tighter supervision and accountability. Parental schedules may need to be rearranged. If the situation involves an adult having sexual contact with a young adolescent, legal action may be necessary. (At the very least, the adult's sexual activity with a minor must be reported as required by law. Any indications of coercion and abuse must also be reported.)
Sexual activity in high school is no less significant, but the response (including medical and counseling input) should represent more of a parent-directed collaboration between the adolescent and the teachers, counselors and physicians involved in his or her life. This does not mean abandoning efforts to curtail sexual contact, but using strategies that stress a mature assessment of consequences. Dating and other socializing patterns that may have increased the chances for intimacy should be reassessed and restructured.
After your child reaches the age of 18, you are essentially dealing with a young adult. This will necessarily modify your approach, because your position of authority has changed somewhat, especially if your son or daughter is beyond adolescence. However, you can and should offer your input and concerns. You have the right to stipulate what behavior is appropriate under your roof. If you are paying the bills for an older adolescent/young adult, you have the right to decide whether such support will continue if it is helping to finance a lifestyle that runs counter to your basic values.
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Other Things to Consider
Related Topics
Relationships: Blended Families, Parents and Adult Children
Transitions: Preparing for Adolescence, Empty Nest
