Adopting on Your Own

Regardless of the joy a child may bring into the life of the single person who has dreamed of parenting, major adjustments must be expected for both parent and child. Since older and physically/emotionally handicapped children are usually placed with single adoptive parents, the time required for proper adjustment may be longer. Older children, for example, generally present more adjustment difficulties, simply because the child's personality has already developed to a great extent. Many older children have also had earlier experiences of deprivation, abuse and instability, and come to the single parent with substantially more emotional problems. The physically handicapped child may require an even greater amount of care — perhaps lifelong.

Adjustment of both parent and child are dependent on several factors. Much of the responsibility for good adjustment depends on the parent's own sense of well-being and self-esteem. Research indicates that single adoptive parents take longer to consider a child their own than couples who adopt, and that males take longer to adjust to parenting than females.

The fact that you, the single adoptive parent, will have a significantly restricted social life after a child arrives must be accepted as part of this newly chosen lifestyle. Understandably, there aren't too many other single adoptive parents with whom to socialize; you may not quite fit into the divorced or widowed single-parent group; married couples may not be ready to accept you; and your single friends don't feel comfortable talking about, or being around, children. Now, instead of accepting social invitations, you may find yourself saying more often: "I've got to attend a parent-teacher conference tonight." "Sorry, I can't make it. Johnny's sick." "I'm short on cash this week." "The house needs cleaning." Or, "Sally needs help with her math." Your social life may include much more family time, both your own and extended-family involvements.

Extended-family relationships are extremely important. When extended families respond positively, there is better adjustment, sooner, for both parent and child.

The major new tasks faced by the single adoptive parent, their costs, and time commitments may loom especially large in this transitional stage.

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