To Know or Not To Know, That is the question

Traditionally, in the United States, a birth mother surrendered her rights to her child to an agency. The agency then selected and notified adopting parents and after a trial period, relinquished its rights to the child in favor of the adopting parents. Under this approach, the adopting parents were told little or nothing about the birth mother, and the birth mother was told nothing about the adopting parents. If the adopted child, upon reaching adulthood, desired to contact his or her birth parents, the agency would refuse to provide any information. An adoption that follows this pattern is referred to as a "closed" adoption, because the records are sealed.

It is commonly assumed that agency adoptions are "closed," and that independent adoptions are "open." Actually, this is not true. Many agencies are allowing birth mothers and adopting parents to meet and to exchange addresses and telephone numbers. Likewise, it is possible in many states allowing independent adoptions to structure such an adoption with closed records, where the parties do not know each other"s last names, addresses or telephone numbers.

Of course, not all adoptions fall neatly into the "open" or "closed" classification because some adoptions are more open or more closed than others. For example, it is not unusual for a birth mother in an independent adoption to meet with the adopting parents she has selected and to exchange last names with them, but not know where they live or what their telephone number is. Each adoption is unique, and great sensitivity must be exercised by all involved in the process to determine the degree of "openness" that best suits the needs of the parties to that adoption. This determination is typically referred to as the "structuring of the adoption."

All of these issues should be discussed at some length by the parties if they meet. If the parties do not meet, the social worker, attorney or other person serving as intermediary must discuss these issues with the parties, allowing them to arrive at a consensus.

As the parties negotiate the structure of the adoption, they should always keep in mind that their separate needs will frequently conflict. Many birth mothers want to have significant contact with the child at the hospital. The adopting parents also typically feel a need to bond to the child at the hospital. On those issues where there might be direct conflict between a birth mother and adopting parents, the adopting parents should defer to the birth mother, if possible. If the parties are unable to work out a compromise, no adoption should occur.

This kind of negotiation occurs to some extent in both agency and independent adoptions. The more open the adoption, the more flexibility must be exercised. There will always be those adopting parents and birth mothers who will feel that they would rather not engage in these kinds of negotiations, preferring to simply have someone advise them as to how they should structure their adoption. For them, a closed agency adoption would be preferred.

Laws are changing with respect to access to adoption files. As with other laws regarding adoptions, these laws vary from state to state. Traditionally, all adoption records were sealed to all parties and could never be opened except by court order. In most states, these court orders could be obtained only if a serious medical emergency arose, such as the need for an organ donor related by birth. Most states still have these laws. In some states, such as California, the records are sealed only if that is what the parties request. The relinquishment form signed by the birth mother asks whether she wants the state to provide the child with her name and last known address and phone number if the child asks for this information after he or she reaches the age of 21. The birth mother can at any time change her mind about having this information released. There is great wisdom in this approach, for it allows the parties to an adoption to maintain privacy if that is their desire.

Many groups today advocate free and open access to all adoption records. These groups are usually referred to as "search" groups, and they are intensively lobbying the Congress and state legislatures, arguing that an adopted child has "a right to know his background and birth parents." At this time, however, there is no legally recognized "right to know," yet there is a recognized right to privacy, which has been held to be a fundamental constitutional right. If a state were to change its laws and suddenly allow open access to its adoption records, even retroactively releasing records of adoptions that had occurred years before, it is doubtful that this new law would be ruled constitutional if it were challenged in court.

In conclusion, the structuring of an adoption involves a number of critical decisions, each of which plays a role in how well the parties adapt, over the long term, to the adoption. It can be structured either through negotiation by the parties or by an agency. In either case, competent counseling is required for all concerned. No one model, procedure or type of adoption can meet the needs and concerns of everyone. This is why we are fortunate today that most states allow diversity and experimentation. We are constantly finding new ways to make adoptions more loving and humane, and we are a spiritually richer society because of this effort.

• 
• Print Friendly Version
• e-Newsletter Sign Up

Life Applications

International Adoption
When a baby can't be found at home, many couples are going overseas.

Addressing Attachment Disorder
When an adopted child has attachment disorder, it takes the whole family's cooperation for healing.

Interstate Adoption
Adoptive and birth parents need to make special considerations they live in different states.

Life Books
These special memory albums can help your adopted child piece together the past.

Get Help

Books, CDs, DVDs and More

The Whole Life Adoption Book
(Paperback) This professional resource equips the prospective and new adoptive parents with all the information they need to prepare for the adoption process.